Was Sad Yesterday

Because of our higher electric bill, and the meds and possibly another ultrasound I need for my delicate pregnancy, I was depressed yesterday over our limited disposable income. It's not that I was hoping to buy christian louboutin shoes or anything as grand, but I was planning on buying a new bathing suit. Plus, we're going to Marinduque this May and would need extra cash for terminal fees, spending money and emergency cash.

Then again, I had to remind myself that we wanted this second baby. Of course, I didn't know I'd be spotting again and requiring Duphaston again. But still, we wanted to expand the family so there really aren't regrets there.

And I am actually earning from my writing, however minimal. I haven't gotten hold of the checks yet because somebody made the mistake of issuing them to a Maureen Bartolome. Hehe. But those are at least enough to make sure we're not using the credit card.

Was sad yesterday. I have a better perspective now.

Life Shelved as Life Grows

We had a choice.

I had a choice.

We could have chosen more sex, more US time, more money for travels and dates. We could have built the house first, with a master bath and maybe a yard that goes on forever. We could have chosen to go abroad first and try a life outside this country of ours. We could have built a business, I could have specialized at school and maybe pursued another career. I could have chosen to amuse myself with Outer banks foreclosures and resort memberships.

I could have chosen a great many other things.

But I chose motherhood.

Now, even trivial things like renewing a PRC license has to wait.

And yes, sometimes I do resent having to give things up or not having nice things. I get envious when I read of friends being able to afford trips and gadgets and other luxuries. But I have never regretted it.

How can I? I think I have chosen motherhood to define me even at an early age. I always wanted to be a Mom. And I do find it rewarding.

The Hazards of Having a Toddler

I wonder if life insurance rates take into account the fact of a toddler in the house. Because they really add a certain level of stress that is bound to result in a slew of health concerns, from reduced immunity (from the lack of sleep and stress) to heart attacks.

I kid you not.

Yesterday, my son decided to throw a tantrum by the edge of the road, with passing trucks and cars roaring just a foot or two away. He refused to be carried, refused to stand up, walk, etc. My cousin and I didn't want to force him so much lest it results in an accident, with him falling or running towards the traffic.

For several moments, I really wondered where my sweet child had gone and prayed that we can go back home safely. See, my imagination was working overdrive as well. Accidents happen freakily after all.

Then my son insisted I carry him, which I could but only for a short while. I am still spotting and accompanying him in his swimming lessons is already taxing enough. He's only about 27 lbs. but he has been hyper in my arms since Day One. That's stress I really can't deal with because I have to mind my health and Yamee's sure development as well.

Am sure other parents have equally sorry tales to tell.

Having a toddler is hazardous to one's health. Yakee missed telling me he peed somewhere and I slipped there. And I keep slipping on his toys. Hazardous. Dangerous. Stressful.

Which is why I realy celebrate all the moments when he's asleep.

When to Have Baby Baptized

With Yakee, we originally planned to have him baptized in time with his first birthday so that we'd just splurge on a party once. But since he was born in October and we wanted to make the Christmas rounds, and my Mom was here from the US, we had him baptized before Mom left.

With Yamee, we agreed again to have him baptized by his first birthday. But I still don't know. If my Mom arrives in December, I might want again to have Yamee baptized before she leaves. I just really like having my parents there for my kids' baptism because they're part of who's welcoming my child to the Christian world.

My sister cannot definitely make it, which is really sad. But her priority right now is to pass the NCLEX and concentrate on her healthcare job search. She's already 24 so she really has to start earning professionally.

Well, a lot will also depend on whether we'd have money for a baptism we'd be comfortable giving. We've always been a little particular about food... and that costs us.

Hormones and the First Trimester

I think the raging hormones during a woman's first trimester also serves another purpose other than developing a fetus. It's also nature's way of making sure a woman doesn't put on weight the first three months since she's likely to put on a lot the next six months. Even the safest weight loss pills couldn't hold a candle to the perpetual nausea and total lack of appetite as well as the aversions to old favorites.

And yes, I am sort of griping again.

But at least, I am on my 10th week now. That leaves me with just two more weeks and then I may feel blessedly like myself again.

In the meantime, a breakfast of milk and papaya would just have to do.

Awake from Hunger Again

Sometimes I really do wonder if this will be my life for the next seven months, waking up at around three or four in the morning because I am hungry. It makes me concerned that I might gain too much weight or develop gestational diabetes but it's also not like I can just take some adipex p for this. I am pregnant after all. This is my body's way of telling me it needs something.

I'd love to binge on fruits but can't even tolerate bananas anymore. And I so miss eating bananas everyday!!!

I can eat melon and singkamas though. Maybe even papaya. And yeah, buko meat too. Alkaline-based fruits mostly. If it's sweet or citrusy/sour, I can't enjoy it because I'd just be acidic and suffering from indigestion. I am actually sorry I can't eat indian mangoes or sineguelas, sniff, sniff.

I should invest on low-fat milk also because I drink too much of it these days. I try to avoid juice for the sugar (and well, I tried pineapple juice and it didn't agree with me) so milk is the only filling alternative I have. I try to limit even my cracker intake because it's carbs.

Good for me, I have always had more discipline with food while pregnant.

But I hate having to wake up to eat! Ugh.

Missing Feeding Yakee

Whenever I'm sitting by the PC and Yakee approaches me for a cuddle, almost always I start positioning him in the cradle hold, ready to breastfeed. Always, I catch myself just in time.

I actually don't think he'd actually nurse again even if he still pays homage to my breasts and would sniff at them.

Anyway, it is in such moments that I realize I really, really, really miss the intimacy of holding him in that way, and nurturing him in that way. Thank God for two years and four months of such a rewarding relationship... and now, at least I can say I am starting to look forward to doing it again with my second child.

Breastfeeding changes women.