All Kinds of Prodigal

I am cramming now for my son's grades for his assessment tomorrow. I have not been blogging (and thus, not earning). I have been hiding in our bedroom most days. I have been lacking in creativity in our activities. I have not been calm. My sons are both acting up because of me.

In short, I should be put on timeout.

And I just blogged now just so this blog will be revived. Hopefully, after this assessment, I will manage my time better and get back to blogging :)  And documenting.

It has been months.

This Mommy is Sick

Because I was exposed to copious amounts of ciggy smoke last Saturday, I have been nursing rhinitis since. And as much as I am hoping Buteyko will magically cure me, I am struggling!!! Struggling so very much with the exercises that I am doing poorly.

And the weather is sure not helping. After several days of intense heat, here we are with a very sad, cloudy day.

I can't help but wish that rhinitis is just like any old computer virus where you only need to apply some MAC antivirus here and there, and voila, everything's magically okay again.

Bummer.

And I have been anxious about the boys being affected by the weather too... but Yakee, I feel, has protection because he's doing well with Buteyko. Yamee, on the other hand, doesn't.

Crybaby Yamee

Yamee is now at a phase where he cries over any slight thing he perceives hurts him... like me trying to get water. And he's super contrary and unable to decide what he wants. Sometimes, the tantrums will be on and off all morning... and he really seldom wakes up without crying soon after.

How I wish he'll just be happy... for a whole week! Especially since I feed him and generally stay with him till he wakes up (making Kuya wait for him in the process) just so he'd wake up in the right side of the bed.

Sigh.

I am beyond frustrated.

And it doesn't help that he isn't verbal yet so communicating to us his desires is mostly off the table.

I know this is just a phase but again... I am beyond frustrated with all the crying. And plopping down just anywhere.

Sigh.

When I deduced him to be melancholic, I didn't really want to be right. Haha. Oh but he can be the sweetest thing there is, and he can be very helpful and independent too.

Just please, God, give me more patience and understanding!

On Checkups and Checkups

My friend Judy shared to me that she brings her kids to Jake Tan and Dr. Cricket Chen. Jake Tan is an anthroposophist healer (whose brother is premier herbalist in the country) and Dr. Cricket Chen is a homeopathic doctor.

I have discussed going to the same people for Yakee's asthma management. Though our allergist has been great and pretty conservative with medicine prescriptions, I am really antsy that we're all taking drugs for months and cannot accept that this will be the case from hereon. There has to be a better way for our livers!

Meanwhile, hubs has just attended a free medical checkup with Sonylife (where we purchased insurance from). He suspects they conduct such so they can better estimate term insurance rates and their cashflow for their members.

Sigh. All these health issues are making me down... especially since I now have to nurse migraines for every period.

In Search of Outdoor Areas

Yakee is attending St. Michael for another semester. But since part of the Pre-K Waldorf curriculum and the rythm there includes outdoors time, I am stumped.

The closest outdoor area that I trust for my sons to roam in is at Paco Park, and that's a good 15-30 minutes away, depending on traffic. It also doesn't feature a playground exactly, but I guess it can provide the nature walk my sons need. We could just bring the magnifying glass and let them use it on decaying leaves and crawling ants.

But still, I want better parks and outdoor areas for them. One with water fountains and playground sets and maybe a pond. And yes, preferably with other kids to play with (ones that don't cuss, like the kids in our neighborhood). But well, I'd settle for just a large area for them to run around in and provide the energy release they need.

Or, I guess, I'd just have to really enroll Yakee for soccer lessons once he's done with St. Michael.

Yamee's Terrible Tantrums

I sometimes try so hard to remember if Yakee's tantrums were as terrible.

Sigh.

Yesterday, he spent about ten minutes outside our door crying. More like wailing, actually. It's not that I locked him out, he refused to come in but was crying because he was out. It was like that the whole day... to think he woke up just fine. I got super exhausted from listening to him. He simply doesn't know what he wants and would wail and wail and wail for any little thing.

I felt bad that he hasn't cottoned to baby signing like his Kuya, no matter how I try to teach him more words. I felt he was frustrated that I couldn't understand him. And of the times I could understand him, he wants something he cannot play with.

Sigh.

Hopefully the swimming lessons will tire him out enough in the next two weeks while I figure how best to handle him.

And hopefully, Big Brother doesn't aggravate the tantrums by provoking him further.

Wherefore Art Thou, Trunki?

Sigh.

My mom's package hasn't come yet and I am really getting impatient. Not only is my son's Trunki there (it missed our Visayas trip), but also my puppet-making paraphernalia. And Yakee's ball-stick-bird books!

And because I had originally asked my sister to purchase a Trunki for us instead of makeup for me (I figured, what will I do with a $100 starter makeup kit when I seldom use any, and still actually have 4 lipsticks, 2 eyeliners and several palettes of eye shadow to go through) for the Visayas trip, I also don't really know what I'd do with it when it comes, haha. I'm afraid it might end up something i'd be kicking around too in our home, just to pave a way through all the chaos. I exaggerate because the boys generally know how to pack away, but still, every Mom has to stumble at least twice on some toy. That's a law of nature. And a Trunki could prove to be a big stumbling block!

Not to mention, a source of conflict for the two... but hey, I am not here to shield them from the realities of life.

I also had my sis buy that for Yamee because I wanted him to have something that he alone had or got first (since Kuya has paved the way for owning a lot of cool boy stuff previously). I don't care if he'd grow up owning an aluminum briefcase or preferring raggedy backpacks, I just want him to own something totally unncessary so that I can tell him someday that I made sure he didn't just have hand-me-downs (not that there's anything wrong with them per se, just that I also know how good it makes someone feel to have something that's just his). Plus, I want to sort of strike a balance and have him own something "cool" that Kuya will have to borrow, instead of being at the mercy of Kuya's kindness for everything.

Does that even make sense? Well, it does to me :D

Surviving and Struggling

The heat isn't helping.

Yamee teething isn't helping.

Yakee being very demanding, restless, then sick isn't helping.

My eczema isn't helping.

My stress isn't helping.

This week, I have spanked Yakee two or three times because of how he is treating Yamee while I struggled with chores. I have spanked Yamee for throwing the weighing scale off the stairs in one of his late-night attempts not to sleep.

Last night, when both boys refused to eat, I started tearing up... and when hubby got home, I left them for a while to play Words with Friends while fighting back tears.

But weirdly enough, after asking some Mom friends to pray for me since I am really struggling, I felt a little better.

It's hard to remember that the reason why my kids are whiny, demanding and unmanageable is me. But it is. In the stress of bargaining with the errant helper to return the stolen goods and adjusting to a life without my cousin (who I really miss too, not just because she helped us out), I have forgotten that they actually pick up MY stress and get confused by it. Leading to mayhem. Chaos.

Hopefully, Yakee does believe it when I say that even when my temper is short, I do love him and his brother.

And please, please God... don't let them be sick anymore. Not only have we paid for the swimming lessons, I really want them to have that this summer.

Rough Play and Boys

I know that in actuality, even girls can play rough. But well. my boys are typical boys... only, Yakee of course has a great advantage being older. He can easily make Yamee lose his balance, for one thing. And every little curiosity that Yakee wants to test, he does it on Yamee.

Yakee has had his fair share of tumbles but Yamee somehow having to go through falls from a dressing table stool, or the sofa, or the bed... or being caught in blankets, stuck in boxes or tripping on his own feet, scattered toys or his Kuya's limbs... all these break my heart.

Sometimes, though it's no one's fault, they both get carried away. Usually, we end up scolding Yakee to mind since he's the older one, and I know it's really unfair since he's also still only a child. Sometimes, after getting hurt, Yamee would have this look of expectancy for Kuya to be scolded or a toy be taken away from his older brother or for his brother to be made to give way for him... and of course, we also do not give in to that.

So, it's usually tears and wails from Yamee everyday... and shrieks and laughter from Yakee followed by some natural consequence.

It's exhausting!

What stretches me even more is when they insist that I be part of the rough play. It sucks to have two pairs of elbows knocking the breath out of you...

Rough play and boys... I really can't wait till they start wushu lessons... and take up knitting. Haha.

I Should Think More Positively

Just several hours from now, Yakee will start his summer swimming lessons again... hopefully, he has completely recovered from his allergic rhinitis and colds from a month ago. opefully, the late night tonight hasn't compromised his immunity. Hopefully, he won't get swimmer's ear at all.

I have never experienced this kind of trepidation about his swimming lessons. He's had 3 already... this is his 4th. But life has really not been smooth where his health is concerned ever since last year, when we all came down with allergic woes that refuse to go away.

Sigh.

Yamee will start his first lessons on Tuesday.

More importantly though, I really hope I won't be shot down by our allergies and more particularly, Yakee's developing asthma. We need to keep embracing the outdoors. We should pursue a new car that can accommodate a car bike rack for us when we go out-of-town. I want us to keep travelling and exploring. I want us to see winter, conquer rainforests and watch the sun set from different parts of the world... so swimming lessons shouldn't cause me this much anxiety. it will rub off on my sons and they might start thinking they can't hack it.

*~*

Meanwhile, I think our new helper is also an allergic person. She has told us about being allergic to seafood... but even changes in temperature get her coughing. Yikes.

Mid-Course Blues

We've just finished the midpoint classes in the Waldorf crash course I am taking... and with it came a lot of challenges.

I wasn't being as faithful with my backward review and recorder practice.

Weather changed from warm to cold to cool to warm again... and triggered allergies.

I came home to sons last Thursday who thought it necessary to have a meltdown at the same time that I wanted to cry too.

Then Yakee started barfing and complaining of a tummy ache. And Yamee was warm, then started registering a fever. Aside from not wanting them sick, a part of me was selfishly asking the universe to not let them get sick enough that I'd need to stay home... because missing a class would mean I won't get a certificate at the end of the course, and I'd have a hard time understanding the succeeding lessons. In the end, while monitoring Yamee's temperature the whole night, I opted to just pray to God to give me a sign where I should be the next day.

He answered with Yamee's temperature not reaching 38 Centigrade again... so I managed to get to class.

I enjoyed painting time and wondered already if I should get an apron for Yakee and I when we do it at home, or should I use lab coats for us instead since Yakee is inclined to be real messy.

Friday, both sons were sneezy, including me. I enjoyed storytelling time though.

The weather last Saturday didn't help my sinuses... also the fiberfill we had to use as stuffing for the puppets we were making. I went home with a full-blown rhinitis attack exacerbated by the long commute. And then, I don't know if it was just part of the allergic march or I was really reacting to something in the food I ate (I suspect the coco sugar in the basil muffin I ordered, and then I had to eat butter cookies laced with coconut). At 11 PM last night, my face started getting itchy hives and my lips started swelling.

STRESS.

Good thing it was, again, a very slow-acting allergy that responded to Claritin.

I'm still sneezy now, and the whole family has had to give up air conditioning just so we can all sleep in the same bedroom (thank heavens it's cool). I am a little depressed by that because we're due to see our allergist on Tues, and I really didn't want to report sinus allergies for us three again. I really want to stop giving my sons meds... and heaven help me, I want to stop being dependent on Claricort for my hands.

But the boys are asleep now... and still generally healthy, very much thriving, and really super wonderful. That's all that counts.

Allergic Christmas

Ended last week with text messages to our allergologist asking if I and my youngest could take antihistamines/decongestants for our allergic rhinitis. Mine was keeping we awake and my sinuses were so painful so I was really ready for drugs.

We were given what to take and the dosage as well as an order to steam inhalate. It kinda made me wish we have this claw foot tub that's super huge where we can all fit, and I can just steam all our sniffles away while we're all in the tub... but alas, I have to make do with sitting on the toilet bowl while watching my sons (in separate huge plastic basins as makeshift tubs).

Good thing their delight was the same.

Then, yesterday, I got a weird allergic reaction to sago't gulaman. Weird, because my lips swelled and started feeling sore (normally, my eyes notify me of allergic reactions to food). Had to take antihistamine for that.

Sigh.

Now, my fingers are all cracked again... this after 2 weeks of strong steroid creams and sleeping with my hands in socks. Hubs tells me I might be stressed... well, I didn't think I was before but I sure am now!

Antsy Yamee

I just tell myself it's another growth spurt season... but Yamee has taken to acting up during bedtime which necessitates me outting him to sleep downstairs so that his older brother and father could sleep.

This, in turn, means I get to watch a lot of TV. While I now know that Newell does rv repairs and upgrades, and that there is a hotel in Camboadia that takes in only one set of guests, and Andrew Zimmern first knew that ice cream is eaten IN/with bread by Filipinos... it also means I snack a lot (because I breastfeed more) and sleep less.

And yes, I know, I watch a lot of TLC.

Oh Yamee... please settle down to a happier normal. And stop propping yourself up in a standing position when Mom isn't looking... unless you're willing to do it in your pen. It's quite dangerous for you to be doing that unattended, you know.

Sigh.

Panicking Over HK Trip

It's still a good 3 weeks away but I am already stressed by our impending HK trip. Partly, I am not sure if my boys can take the stress. And then, it's been real rainy the past few weeks and I really don't want us just getting wet and sick there. I also haven't really washed the backpack we're going to use for our daytime jaunts (since the sun hasn't really shone lately for any decent laundry to dry) and we haven't purchased extra batteries for our cameras.

I did buy some long-sleeved shirts for Yakee already and some thin Chute rompers for Yamee (who, I expect will stay warm when I babywear him) but I was hoping we'd have a chance to wear funny tee shirts, or just coordinated ones, in a picture. I'll see if I can get matching polo shirts for the boys.... in red (because my nursing tops are just really either black or red).

Hopefully, Yakee will really have fun with his cousins. He's started asking us if we're already going to Disneyland every time we go out. And he doesn't seem to remember that we have to FLY somewhere in a plane first... *stress*

PMS, Here I Come Again

I had hoped that i'd have a longer lactation amenorrhea this time around. I really don't miss getting my period and would be perfectly content not getting it again, unless it suggests some medical problems for me. But I have started feeling that the day when i'd get it back is coming. One sign is the overall rage and bad mood, another is the aching back and hips for no real reason.

Sigh.

I guess it really means Yamee is requiring less milk now, which means, if I don't watch it, I may have to resort to diet pills for women because i'd just really gain all the weight back. And we're talking some 40 lbs here. Yikes.

*~*

Meanwhile, it stresses me to no end that Yakee is a sickly child these days. We're skipping school again today because he's running a fever again.

A Boob Job Present for a Birthday Gift

I will not include a link here to the news site but just feel free to Google or Bing "Sarah Burge, Human Barbie, gifted her daughter with a boob job voucher for 7th birthday" and you're sure to get many hits.

My initial reaction was "Ewww." and my friend's, "Disgusting." And I guess we're both referring to both the Human Barbie's face (who looks soooo unnatural) and the implication of the gift. And I don't really care if the mother says that she's just giving her daughter the option, should she someday want her boobs fixed, enlarged, changed, etc., because it still screams inappropriate to me.

Heck... heels for little girls are inappropriate, this is verging on perverted and abuse. After all, why would a 7-year old scream with delight over a future boob job if she's not being raised with the notion that she's need or want one?

Now, i'll just get back to searching appareils photo numériques and silently thank my happy problem of not having their money, which seems to be tied to their poor self-image as well. And I soooo won't ever take pictures of that scary-looking Sarah Burge.

Better Time Management, Please!

We're actually loads better now... because we generally wake up between 7-9 AM (Yakee and I) and Yamee sleeps through the night. His night feedings do not bother me much because he just feeds and sleeps.

Yakee generally knows that it's play time after breakfast and then lunch and then tub time and then nap time. After that is play time again, snacks, play time again until supper.

But I think we'd still benefit from better time management. Just so, I can have more structured interaction with Yakee... and I can enjoy Yamee more. I just cried to hubs last night about being sad that I am missing alone moments just enjoying Yamee coo and giggle (because I have to attend to Yakee too) and being scared and sorry that Yakee is growing up more competitive for attention as Yamee grows more interactive and cute. Just the other day, Yakee was hitting Yamee because Yamee kicked his face (yes, Yamee is at that age where he likes seeing people's reaction to his kicking and slapping).

The only upside to having to attend to both boys is that I don't have to buy liporexall at all because I am usually just sweating like a pig. Sometimes, i'd shower first at night before giving the boys their evening baths... then would have to shower again after. Maybe we should just really lay out a pool and spend the day there, hehe.

Plus, I discovered that there is such a thing as Waldorf homeschooling. I am now still deciding if I'd enrol Yakee there only, or do that with another curriculum (double the pressure for me? double the expense for educational materials for us?).

Better time management, please!

I Need to Look Non-Matronic

Truth be told, I really cannot afford to pay someone who's undergone several personal trainer certification programs to help me shape up in time for my stint as primary sponsor in a wedding this June. And it is May already tomorrow! I am still saggy and flabby everywhere even though I have lost a lot of weight.

Sigh.

I am also having acne problems again in a major way but believe I shouldn't really put creams and stuff until Yamee is older and not as dependent anymore on my breast milk. Sigh, again.

I need to look my age, if not younger, at that wedding! I don't want to look worn and frumpy. Good luck to me.

Books on Activities for and with Kids... Unused

I have at least 4 books on things you can do to and with your child to facilitate their different developments that are gathering dust on my shelves. My cousin just poured over one for her caregiving assignment.

Meanwhile, I have while away the afternoon in front of the PC because I didn't want to deal with my firstborn and a particular discipline issue. I know, I am so bad for being an escapist. But there you have it, I am not in a good place and has been failing my sons as a Mom.

Sighers.

Power Struggle with my Preschooler

I shouldn't really let Yakee engage me in a battle of wills. But, when I lack sleep or Yamee's fussy, I can easily get irritated. And once I am angry, it takes time before I calm down.

We did sort of made peace yesterday and had a perfectly regular bed time ritual without fuss. He was also still agreeable this morning... and then, it's one stubborn episode after another, coupled with disrespect and acting out in public.

I sometimes feel that Yamee's burgeoning cuteness and interactivity is to blame... it threatens Kuya, no matter how loving he is. Then I think it's also him just testing his limits more.

I believe I cried myself to sleep two nights in a row, hating our fights and hating the feeling that I am a failure... hating the possibility that I may be doing more harm than good... hating all the implications of these little fights... wondering how to get to this point and being a grandparent to their kids without burning bridges or sending anyone to the loonybin.

God, grant me grace and wisdom and more, more patience.