All Kinds of Prodigal

I am cramming now for my son's grades for his assessment tomorrow. I have not been blogging (and thus, not earning). I have been hiding in our bedroom most days. I have been lacking in creativity in our activities. I have not been calm. My sons are both acting up because of me.

In short, I should be put on timeout.

And I just blogged now just so this blog will be revived. Hopefully, after this assessment, I will manage my time better and get back to blogging :)  And documenting.

It has been months.

Getting Kids Into Music

Yakee still has not had any formal training on an instrument yet. I want to adopt the Waldorf way of introducing that in First Grade, when he turns seven. And I will insist on a wind instrument for his lungs.

That does not mean, however, that we have not introduced him (or both boys) to musical instruments. Yakee has played with a recorder and harmonica, has broken enough drums, has a xylophone, broken two ukeleles, has played with a rainmaker and who knows what else.

These were hubs' gift to them from Malaysia... I love the marimba (the one the looks like the body of a guitar) and Yakee uses it to create background music when he feels there's a need for it. Yamee uses the drum as a drum, container for toys and step stool though. Haha.

So, in the years to come, I see our home playing host to guitars and bigger drums, maybe even a violin (I don't see Yakee playing it but can totally see Yamee doing so) or some Accordions at musician's friend for the two. Heaven knows he has expressed curiosity over harps and lyres as well.

Heaven help my ears! Haha.

Rondalla Group at Barbara's

Hubby took me on a dinner date again at Barbara's last night. We like taking advantage of groupon offerings for this particular restaurant because we really like their food and we are reminded of our wedding (because they catered to ours).

Anyway, I was mesmerized by this rondalla group that were playing there. The guitar player was really good, and together, they were all really great. The one playing the big bass guitar was a girl, and she was rocking the very large musical instrument.

I started wishing again that I can get my kids into these Filipino groups (not sure though if they would appreciate cultural dancing, as the male dancers last night seemed gay-ish to me) as part of their homeschooling. Hubs and I agreed that I can have my wish first of having Yakee learn a wind instrument (for his lungs) and then he can transition to a guitar (maybe under hubby's uncle's tutelage) before getting his dream of learning to play the guitar. So, yes... I can forego reading through gear one mv1000 review at guitar center because Yakee has yet to master a flute, recorder or sax. 

A January FB Status

Most people think the sun rises from the east and sets in the west.

Most moms know the sun rises and sets from their children.

The amazing thing is both are right.

Love you my little froggy and dino... Here's to another year of striving to parent you better.

 

*~*~*~*~*

 

Little darlings, know that Mommy is always trying her best.

No to HK

Some discounted fares for Clark - Hong Kong - Clark just came up for the months of January to March 2013. It's around P6k per person and that's really a sweet deal already (though if you ask me, I really don't fancy having to go to and fro Clark before/after a trip).

It gave me pause! Haha.

I have always dreamed of going there in February, when it's coldest and you get to wear leather coats and Gaerne boots and you breathe steam and get red in the cheeks. Haha.

Then again, when I think of the luggage (and expense for those kind of clothes), that dream loses it's charm.

And well, there is that planned trip to Marinduque for the Moriones festival in March... so we really don't have travel budget for HK now. Plus, hubs and I have also agreed that we'd just throw the kids a Jollibee party when Yakee turns 7... and use the rest of the money for the HK return as opposed to doing the catered thing that's more expensive.

So, yes, no to HK for now :)

Dream of a Better Car

There's already some wiring problems affecting our car's locks, and it doesn't really have a child lock feature. And sometimes, the windows leak.

But all in all, our Isuzu is still providing us great service.

But a new car is really in the offing, provided we get the means for it. And lately, cars that look cool and sturdy to me are Ford ones (ohmygosh, the only thing we might be able to afford are the seat covers for ford f150!). Hubs dreams of a sedan, Yakee wants a pickup truck and I still want an SUV.

We don't pack light and we're not small people.

Yakee also wants TV/screen in the car and I don't. Watching something would be a road hazard and waste of time to bond during the drive to somewhere.

But oh, I just want a more fuel-efficient (but our car is, actually, and that is such a blessing) and newer/safer model. And maybe something with more holders/trays for cups and what-nots. And a big trunk.

In Pursuit of Redecorating

Two of us in one of my mommy groups are planning to reorganize and redecorate to create homeschooling nooks for our 5-year olds. We both want sturdy wooden tables for study/crafts tables, more book shelves and other cabinets/shelves to house books, things, etc.

Yes, we should also start throwing away junk to make room for the new furniture we envision having.

This prompted one of us to share their space-saving tricks and techniques (haha, it pays to have an architect for a husband!). I loved the retractable desks in her daughter's rooms, and how they hung their clothes facing them for more closet space. She gave us tips on where and how to customize all those things... which prompted us Moms daydreaming of our ideal work stations and homes.

I said, had we the money, I'd probably go for the airy design that characterized ancestral homes from Spanish times: with hardwood floors that will carry not just the people but also that family's history, and sparse furniture that allow air to flow, and huge windows, and connecting doors everywhere.

I don't think I'd ever like anything ornate and fancy... just really space and air everywhere I turn. Verandas for playing in, gardens for growing food in, and space for all my books. Our books, I mean.

Well, owning furniture made from hard wood can start with a kiddie table and some marine plywood for painting activities right? :)

Yakee on Drums

Lately, whenever Yakee finds an unused set of chopsticks (usually from takeouts), he would gather all the stools and plastic toy chests in the house and set up his drum set. We have taken videos (just haven't uploaded any) and he's really so adorable 'playing' for us. Hubs has always wanted to purchase a drum set for him so this developing interest is super fine with him.

Party pooper that I am though, I say that any purchase of  pearl drums will have to wait till we have a better home... with a den or garage just for musical instruments (noise over practice). Hehe.

Yakee's widow (his capacity to commit sounds to memory) is good so if he grows up musical, that would be really awesome!

And yes, him banging on things helps in releasing some of his nervous energy... which is great for facilitating sleep. Haha.

*~*

He wrote his first word that I asked him to write/spell: BAT

Going on a Country Fair!

I got my hubby to be willing to drive to Bulacan next week for the Gawad Kalinga Enchanted Farm Countryside Fair :)  I am beyond excited for my sons because they'd be roaming the outdoors... and I will be shopping.

I have often wanted to go to country fairs like they do abroad... with merchants utilizing trailer hitches for cars so they can just sell from their car whatever produce they have harvested or goods they have made. I have always wanted the kids to 'ooohh' and 'aaahhh' over different plants and animals for sale, and compare which stall has the biggest squash or the freshest melons, to sample toys and things and dips and whatever else... and maybe find something to truly spice up a wardrobe or home.

I cannot wait!!! :)

Yes... I don't know where to get money for it... hahaha... but I cannot wait to go!

Reorganizing Ideas During the Typhoon

As I was trying to figure out which of our stuff downstairs to save, and how to save them, I couldn't help but also get ideas about reorganizing our stuff. I definitely need to put the books higher up, so my kids will not just yank at them at will (but wait, isn't that a good thing? haha... maybe I'll have an accessible bookcase and rotate things there).

I definitely need more covered shelves because I really cannot tolerate dust anymore.

And yes, we need to throw a lot of things away... and have sturdier stuff too. I'm dreaming of actual desks (and a desk name plate for each of us) just so we know our spaces and will be limited to those speific areas for most of our endeavors. Because, right now, I have some things and Yakee has some toys on hubs' work space.

Having their play area under the stairs isn't a good idea anymore because our roof leak is right above the stairs, and water tends to drip down to the first floor too. And defnitely, we need to throw more stuff away... not to make room for new ones, but to have everything simpler and more used.

I just hope I'll work at it after the flood watch... without getting sick too!

Afraid to Fall Asleep

The rains have been incessant... and I am sooo tired already but I am scared to sleep.

I am unsure whether I should pack a Go Bag now, because I'm thinking... where would we go if it's totally flooded in our street anyway? This is our home. And I also hope I can save my parents' home since they're not here. Hubby, on the other hand, is resigned to whatever fate will bring to our door. After all, if our homes get flooded like back in Ondoy, what can we really do but just pick up the pieces after?

Sigh.

I am worried about our possessions... and where to get the money to repair and replace them.

I am worried about my boys, and how to keep them safe (I think they couldn't sleep earlier because my stress was palpable).

Yakee prayed for sun... I hope to God He grants his prayer. I know many others have stormed the heavens with their pleas for the rains to stop.

Oh God, just please let us all be alright. In the end, that's the only thing that matters.

The St. Michael Dream

A friend directed me to this video which aimed to give people (those not from the Waldorf community) an idea of what a Waldorf/Steiner school is. I can't help but utter a silent prayer, really, for St. Michael's plans to expand.

On one hand, St. Michael is in an area where the market is rich with potential enrolees. The Rockwell/The Fort area is teeming with expats who have heard of Waldorf education. They're also the ones more likely to afford it, and will be enticed to do it here because it's so much cheaper here.

On the other hand, expats come and go. And real estate in Makati costs high. The foremost concern of us parents have always been, "how much would it cost when we start?"

I admit, I have to accept that for the same price, I could do more for my two boys than if we push to send Yakee in a Waldorf Kindergarten. That's the compromise we have to make, pending greater resources or other changes.

But a true-blue Steiner school is the dream. I don't care if parents and teachers alike will be forever fighting over how best to implement Steiner's vision... so long as we're all striving together to carve a safe space where our kids can grow and learn and self-realize.

For my part, I leave it up to God on how He thinks our journey down this path should go.

Intimidated Galore

I spent last night trying to rationalize my scheduling for our coming days so I can include reading time, formal instruction, art/music, free play and chore time. On paper, what I have so far looks great. However, I am stumped with ideas for some activities.

Actually,I know the internet can provide me with so much ideas and projects... but executing them will be a problem. I am a sloth, after all. But this is it.

On top of this, there is that on-going decluttering. I have asked our helper to start going through my old magazines (when I say old, I mean decades-old) at the other house so I can transfer my Readers Digests there, and use the shelves in our home for our books and art materials. We have yet to fully back up all the files on the old desktop so we could give, donate or throw it away already. I am also considering letting the TV go or buying a flat screen one and use peerless mounts to maximize space. Hopefully, we could create 'office' spaces for hubs, myself and the boys.

 I am intimidated because I am committing to things that will ask so much of me.  And I now have to keep fighting that sucky inner voice that keeps telling me I am not creative nor resourceful nor fun enough.

This is it.

In Search of Outdoor Areas

Yakee is attending St. Michael for another semester. But since part of the Pre-K Waldorf curriculum and the rythm there includes outdoors time, I am stumped.

The closest outdoor area that I trust for my sons to roam in is at Paco Park, and that's a good 15-30 minutes away, depending on traffic. It also doesn't feature a playground exactly, but I guess it can provide the nature walk my sons need. We could just bring the magnifying glass and let them use it on decaying leaves and crawling ants.

But still, I want better parks and outdoor areas for them. One with water fountains and playground sets and maybe a pond. And yes, preferably with other kids to play with (ones that don't cuss, like the kids in our neighborhood). But well, I'd settle for just a large area for them to run around in and provide the energy release they need.

Or, I guess, I'd just have to really enroll Yakee for soccer lessons once he's done with St. Michael.

Surviving and Struggling

The heat isn't helping.

Yamee teething isn't helping.

Yakee being very demanding, restless, then sick isn't helping.

My eczema isn't helping.

My stress isn't helping.

This week, I have spanked Yakee two or three times because of how he is treating Yamee while I struggled with chores. I have spanked Yamee for throwing the weighing scale off the stairs in one of his late-night attempts not to sleep.

Last night, when both boys refused to eat, I started tearing up... and when hubby got home, I left them for a while to play Words with Friends while fighting back tears.

But weirdly enough, after asking some Mom friends to pray for me since I am really struggling, I felt a little better.

It's hard to remember that the reason why my kids are whiny, demanding and unmanageable is me. But it is. In the stress of bargaining with the errant helper to return the stolen goods and adjusting to a life without my cousin (who I really miss too, not just because she helped us out), I have forgotten that they actually pick up MY stress and get confused by it. Leading to mayhem. Chaos.

Hopefully, Yakee does believe it when I say that even when my temper is short, I do love him and his brother.

And please, please God... don't let them be sick anymore. Not only have we paid for the swimming lessons, I really want them to have that this summer.

Why We'd Be Back in Guimaras

Of course, we want to try and see other places. But I really fell for Alubihod Beach where Raymen Beach Resort is, in Guimaras. When we were there, it was private enough and the sand and water were just so clean, it was heaven for little kids.

hubs taught Yakee to look for crabs (those tiny white ones that make holes in the sand) and Yamee loved trying to squash them

we often forget (thankfully, I didn't) that it's easy to amuse the kids... just leave them somewhere they can explore and build

and I fully understood why a sandbox is pedagogically necessary in Waldorf schools  when I observed them and just let them be

Yamee expresses concentration with his lips

and this is the moment when he started a fascination with sand on his body

and Yakee... well, he's always loved the beach

Since the place was clean, the staff friendly, the restaurant food was great (for the money)... and they had cable TV, it seems like the perfect place to just let kids enjoy an unspoiled beach. Of course, where sand goes, Boracay's is still the finest.... but the area is also super commercialized already.

So, someday, I want to go back and just let my sons frolic in Guimaras beaches. Maybe they can go swimming naked again, haha, at Guisi beach.

My Boys and their Voices

One of the things that are really distinctly different about my boys is their voice. Yakee still sounds like a girl since he talks and shrieks in a high-pitched voice still, like a regular young boy. Yamee, however, interjects and expresses delight in a deeper voice. He only gets high-pitched when he shrieks at his older brother.

I wondered aloud yesterday how Yakee's voice will be like when it starts breaking in adolescence. Hubs joked that maybe the boys will switch and Yakee will have a deep voice in adulthood, while Yamee will have a shrieky one. Haha.

Well, I know we're far from days of myoripped reviews for image-conscious boys and I really don't want for time to slip any faster than it's already going (because my boys aren't babies anymore! sniff, sniff)... but I sort of can't wait for the boys to be actually talking, not just communicating through intent.

The other day though, without meaning to, Yakee said "water" again. Unlike his brother (who we may have been more consistent with), he's gotten to signing MORE for anything he wants, mostly food, so there's still a lot of second guessing with him. Then he said the word, then refused to repeat it again, much to his father's dismay (because he never hears Yamee talk).

Each child is different... but in the long run, may I be the kind of mother who teaches them to have a voice of their own :)

One of Yakee's Dreams

It amuses me sometimes the things that Yakee has expressed interest in becoming.

There's the fireman.

A superhero.

A teacher at St. Michael.

Recently, it's becoming a vet (because we're reading a storybook on dog bites, and he's keen on being a doctor for animals rather than a doctor for people). Now, I don't know if Veterinarian Jobs are in demand here but it's nice that he's really attracted to nurturing roles. It gives me hope that whatever I'm doing is good enough and will pay off... and that he will learn gentleness in his own good time.

The Scare

Sunday night, Yamee was fussy and bit me on the left nip.

Later, I felt a pain and a lump. That same night, the painful lump became a throbbing mess. Then. I didn't know if it was because of the lump or purely coincidental (it could have been a virus), I woke up feeling out of sorts. Then I felt super achy. I couldn't even lay down properly because my hip bones and backbone hurt. Everything hurt and just a brush on my chest wasenough to send me shaking from pain, what more a kick to it.

I was useless, I just slept all day. My kids' clamor for attention fell on deaf ears mostly because I really couldn't attend to them. I was in so much pain, I also think there wasn't enough milk coming out of me for the most part of the day, so Yamee was super frustrated... and he vented by being more carefree than usual: standing on top of the bed's edge and other unstable surfaces, like a toy firetruck.

I literally bawled on the floor at least twice, because Yamee managed to zero in on my breast with a foot or with his head... and I even had to deny myself Yakee's hugs because I couldn't bear to be touched.

That kind of pain.

It was horrible.

Good thing I did feel better lst night, felt better again today. I am on high dose antibiotics for the lump on my breast, which is probably mastitis due to a plugged milk duct that got infected because Yamee was putting dirty things in his mouth then nursing from me.

But for a day, I think I felt how someone with a terminal illness, like breast cancer, feels... and with young kids too. Briefly, I thought, if life throws us that kind of curve ball, we really don't have the financial resources... and maybe the emotional resources. Who will take care of me and my sons, because hubs will now have to work double time? How will I manage my stress over not being able to care for my sons? How will it impact my kids to see a mom so weak and in need of care?

Sigh.

Hopefully, the meds will do their magic and my breast ultrasound next week will show the lump gone.

God, please spare this family from cancer... if not forever, at least, now that the kids are still so young. Please. Thank you.

A Good Read

This blog post is a very good read because it admits to one and all that homeschooling also produces unhappy, rebellious kids.

But whether homeschooling or not, one must read this... because the point really has nothing to do with homeschooling, but more about how even the most intentional parenting can produce sad or bad kids. Reading the comments though will offer some hope that the sad, bad kids do grow up in the end and make better choices. One can hope but really, no guarantees.

I have thought about it. Either of my sons could end up researching bomb making, or finding out crazy uses for a braided metal hose, or not going to college, or ending up HIV positive, or becoming a teenage dad. I can't say I have imagined the worst things they could be doing but I have thought everything possible. That is why I have also always reminded myself that I won't homeschool out of fear (that my kids will be bullied, that my kids will be exposed to germs, or unrealistic standards and comparisons, or that they would grow up with no values, etc) but out of purpose (I want us to grow as a family together, for them to really pick up values from the home, for us to be more invested in our parenting and child-rearing, for us to be forced to spend more time together, etc).

But my children will become adults someday... and who knows how they will respond to our parenting, to future circumstance, to other cultural changes and influences. Someday, they will choose for themselves... or need to wander a little if only to KNOW that HOME is where they belong. I have to keep in mind that the rewards of the things I have chosen to do for them are in itself, and not really in some distant future (though there could be something there still).

I breastfed for the short and long term benefits... sure... but reduced cancer and diabetes risks or not, I enjoyed breastfeeding them and bonding with them that way. It enriched our relationship.

I stayed home so I can nurture them all the time, and that is the reward, the having been there when they hit their firsts, the being there when they need hugs, disciplining, and empowerment. My staying home may or may not make for happier adults but the important thing is we had a chance to spend our days together.

I am planning to homeschool even if I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility and it may make for a more or less rounded kid... but again, the important thing is that I will become more so my kids can be more... and we still spend more time together.

Because in the end, time is all we ever get... and get to give. And time together with my kids will always be priceless.