Afraid to Fall Asleep

The rains have been incessant... and I am sooo tired already but I am scared to sleep.

I am unsure whether I should pack a Go Bag now, because I'm thinking... where would we go if it's totally flooded in our street anyway? This is our home. And I also hope I can save my parents' home since they're not here. Hubby, on the other hand, is resigned to whatever fate will bring to our door. After all, if our homes get flooded like back in Ondoy, what can we really do but just pick up the pieces after?

Sigh.

I am worried about our possessions... and where to get the money to repair and replace them.

I am worried about my boys, and how to keep them safe (I think they couldn't sleep earlier because my stress was palpable).

Yakee prayed for sun... I hope to God He grants his prayer. I know many others have stormed the heavens with their pleas for the rains to stop.

Oh God, just please let us all be alright. In the end, that's the only thing that matters.

Because He Has Asthma

In Waldorf Education, it is believed that 7 years old is the start of the feeling stage for developing children... and they want to help this along by fortifying the respiratory system through recorder playing. Huffing and puffing through a recorder is supposed to help practice the lungs and airways, so a child will also be less tight about his emotions.

Now, Yakee has asthma. When it was first made official at the doctor's clinic, I was ready to go and get us some getzen trumpet for him. Haha. Good thing I was able to remind myself that either I have to learn to play the instrument first, or get him to attend classes for it already. And no, I don't think Yakee is at a stage where he can attend formal lessons.

Plus, I'd really rather, if he takes music lessons, he will learn to play instruments the Suzuki way (if not through attendance at a Waldorf school).

But I guess, I have a year or two to really master the recorder, just so I can start my son on easy songs. It's not just about embracing Waldorf now, it's conquering his asthma.

The St. Michael Dream

A friend directed me to this video which aimed to give people (those not from the Waldorf community) an idea of what a Waldorf/Steiner school is. I can't help but utter a silent prayer, really, for St. Michael's plans to expand.

On one hand, St. Michael is in an area where the market is rich with potential enrolees. The Rockwell/The Fort area is teeming with expats who have heard of Waldorf education. They're also the ones more likely to afford it, and will be enticed to do it here because it's so much cheaper here.

On the other hand, expats come and go. And real estate in Makati costs high. The foremost concern of us parents have always been, "how much would it cost when we start?"

I admit, I have to accept that for the same price, I could do more for my two boys than if we push to send Yakee in a Waldorf Kindergarten. That's the compromise we have to make, pending greater resources or other changes.

But a true-blue Steiner school is the dream. I don't care if parents and teachers alike will be forever fighting over how best to implement Steiner's vision... so long as we're all striving together to carve a safe space where our kids can grow and learn and self-realize.

For my part, I leave it up to God on how He thinks our journey down this path should go.

Cleaning Gentlemen

Say, a crumb of muffin falls on the floor or some milk gets spilled. Yamee would automatically (and very enthusiastically) get the broom (complete with the dust pan) or the mop and clean up the mess.

Yakee, while in the middle of a tantrum earlier, was asked by his father to sweep the floor and he eadily stopped all the whining. As he gave his all in sweeping  the floor, and even sang while he did it, I couldn't help but wonder where all the tantrum went.

Amazing, right?

So, just maybe, if we ever get to migrate and join my family in Michigan, the boys could work for my uncle's cleaning services. It would be cool part-time work and all of my father's siblings (my Mom and him included) have actually done it. After all, it pays good money and most of them are neat freaks!

Incidentally, I once chanced upon this website for  office cleaning services in Wisconsin and was really impressed at the extent to which they disinfect and scrub and air and do everything else to clean spaces. I liked that they highlighted changing their cleaning tools regularly and that they target high-traffic areas. It's also great that such services are reachable by e-mail because some people (like me) are just really too lazy to pick up the phone even.

Now... I just hope this cleanliness streak will never wane for my boys. I might just end up with a spic and span kitchen just yet.

Breastfeeding Reinvented Me

Because it is breasfeeding month, and I may be breastfeeding my LAST child (who has lately been going without feeding from me most of the day), I felt compelled to write a poem about breastfeeding... and here it is :)

I really hope other Moms out there would see beyond the sleepless nights and feelings of abuse and exploitation that comes during the first few weeks when you're just learning the ropes of breastfeeding well, and meeting a newborn's needs.

Baby, I'm Amazed

While walking to Power Plant Mall from school, I happened to notice the sky and had this resultant conversation.

Me: Oh my, Iakob look at the clouds. I think it might rain again.
Yakee: Hmmm... I think Jesus said, "No rain until my son Iakob is home."

Sure enough, it was still only drizzling when we got home after our date. And that was over an hour away because we still had ice cream, browsed through books at National Bookstore and shopped for groceries before we hailed a cab for home.

What amazed me so much that time was that it was the first time Yakee showed faith in a Higher Power. Sure, we pray every night and I prompt him to thank God for our blessings, but it was the first time he showed me an appreciation for the divine. I know the conversation meant nothing to him but for me, it was such a profound leap into being a person of faith.

I had other wonderful conversations with Yakee today and a part of me couldn't keep up with how his mind is evolving. But really, baby, I'm amazed.

*~*

On a related note, I hope Yakee won't feel he has to share the fact that his father is collecting urine (haha, people might mistake him to be conducting home paternity tests) with his friends at school tomorrow. But, really, I'm also just glad that he's not messing with his father's stuff in the toilet (we're waiting for hubs to pass kidney stones).

And it's Yamee that's driving me crazy, actually, from climbing onto shelves (one that contains a myriad of little things... like medicine... and flour!) and unravelling my yarn balls.

Sorry, Darlings

I became a scolding, shouting mess again yesterday... well, I wasn't shouting the whole day but it was a long time since I last felt I needed to shout. I was really not in control of myself and my situation with the kids in some occasions --- something I have had progress with.

Sigh.

Nothing really bad happened... though I really felt I lost ground with the 'better attitude' I got going for a while. I was just really exhausted after days of stress and having to go back and forth places. I was also being eaten by guilt from leaving Yamee behind for long periods of time. A part of me believes that I still shouldn't be letting him go without me for that long, haha, and for no good reason (the Waldorf crash course was a different case because that was to help improve how I parent).

But it cannot be helped. Having me back was stressor enough and the boys started pretty early (upon waking up, fighting over who's going to get my phone for me). Having Pappie back from the hospital was just too much. And yeah, sugar high from grapes.

It also wouldn't have been an issue if I was leaving them with my cousin, whom I trust. But I left them with our helper, a stranger still, someone who I do not see able to provide the mothering I feel my sons deserve. Thankfully, God has been really kind this time because our helper seems to really like my kids. She has been hard at work building Lego towers and drawing for my kids. The other day, I also came home to Yamee shrieking with laughter because our angel of a helper was playing with him.

I am just happy to be back with my sons again. Having to be away from them made me realize yet again how it would kill me if I have to go back to work. I cannot stand the separation!