Spring Cleaning

Because my sons were blessed with so many toys and things for the past two months, it's time again for some spring cleaning in our house. I also have to start throwing some of our other things like old luggages, bags, some books and magazines, bottles, cables, even cell phone cases for phones we no longer use. I also have to audit Yamee's clothes again. I just gave away his newborn stuff (the mittens and tie-side shirts) but as I was squeezing him in a sleeper suit just now, I realized that he's really outgrown more clothes.

I also have to rearrange the books and make room for more books if I really plan to start Yakee on a more structured learning experience come February.

Wish me luck!

Mom of Two

I have been feeling that I am a Mom of two since I got pregnant and had to balance my pregnancy woes with my son's needs (and failing half the time). But it became really apparent to me when I got confined in the hospital and had to entrust my son's care with my MIL.

I felt it again when I gave birth and was sufering from post-delivery pains. And when I was crying because I couldn't hold a sleeping Yakee in the car as he slept because I was nursing Yamee, my heart was really, really broken.

But it's not all sadness and tears. Watching Yakee love Yamee makes me happiest of all. And I really cannot imagine not having Yamee.

But how is a mom of two like?

I won't say it's double the stress, although both kids vying for your attention can drive you to tears (or to curse, hehe), because you also learn to let go of more things. And you learn fast which child really needs you more at that moment. So yes, I've let both kids bawl while I was attending to the other. I just think of the big picture and remind myself that just because they're crying doesn't mean they aren't loved. Don't I worry about trauma and them growing up insecure? Sure, I do. But again, I tell myself that I love them and they just really have to learn to share my time and energy.

It is double the laundry though, haha. And I really need a big pack of wipes wherever I go.

It is true, what they also say, that as you have more children, you let go of more things. With Yakee, I logged his morning and evening temperature and the number of feedings and poop and wet diapers for a year. With Yamee, I stopped logging his temp when his older brother was sick. And now, I even fail to properly log his feeds and poops.

I was also more OC about alcohol with Yakee. No one could hold him without disinfecting first. I just insisted on alcohol with Yamee the first week. Haha. I'm also just generally less OC with cleanliness with Yamee. I only used Cetaphil on Yakee for his first six months, or Lactacyd... but I have used the Huggies wash cloths on Yamee already. I also sometimes use Human Heart Nature baby wash to wash Yamee's bum, something I'd never think to do with Yakee before. I am also less careful with how I carry and handle Yamee. I don't mean I'm also being negligent, just that I now know they won't break easily.

I breastfed Yakee and I'm breastfeeding Yamee... but I also find myself okay with the idea that should it come to it, I'd give formula to Yamee without feeling like a failure. I mean, with Yakee before, just the suggestion of doing it made me feel like my life was being threatened. With Yamee, since I know more about breastfeeding and parenting, and my supply is better, I know that it won't be so easy to make me fail in breastfeeding.

I let Yakee wore rompers till he was over two, because I considered him a baby till I got preggy again. Now, however, I sort of can't wait for Yamee to strut in big kid stuff, which is why I adored the polo shirts SIL gave him. I am so eager for him and his Kuya to be wearing the same outfit or at least, strutting the same look. Just today, he and Yakee and hubby wore similar shirts and it's in black. I never let Yakee wear dark colors when he was an infant for fear of missing a bug crawling on him.

One other thing that's changed for me is the intensity in which I defend both, especially to people comparing. Then again, I compare them too, amazed at their growing differences and sentimental with the things they have in common.

One more thing about letting go... I am more open to outside help. Where before, I insisted on caring for Yakee 24/7, now, I have no problems (especially guilt) about passing Yamee to my in-laws or my Mom or cousin to grab more sleep or have special time with Yakee. I now even pump more because I leave Yamee behind more. Well, partly because I do want him to bond with my Mom too.

And yes, I am more vigilant about ME time. And about taking care of myself. I have even learned to nurse in the side-lying position to get more sleep (so yeah, the down side is I might not lose as much weight as I did with Yakee because I have been sleeping for most of the nine days into this new year). Then again, Yamee actually allows us to sleep. Yakee never did. Lolz.

My main pet peeve now? Having people try to discipline Yakee by using Yamee... you know, in ways that I believe fosters rivalry and jealousy. Yakee might not feel it some times but I am fiercely careful about that because I really don't want him feeling displaced... or to grow up with the notion that having a sibling is bad.

There are so many other things that has changed because I'm now a Mom of two. But given how I am evolving, I still cannot imagine being a Mom of three. I really don't think I have the energy and grace for it.

Sorting Out Pics

I have backlogs when it comes to sharing, uploading and even printing out our pictures. Coming from a holiday season and only just recovering, I really have tons of pictures to sort through and back up. One of the ways I archive them is to upload them, so that if my laptop and trusted external hard disk crashes, the most important pics are already safe on the internet.

I should make use of the magic of laser printers though and print some of the pictures for my Mom and mother-in-law since they don't really have cyber lives but are the greatest fans of my sons.

Have you made sense of all the pictures you took yet? :)

Mommy Fail

I am still sick.

But I have been relatively enjoying sleep since the new year, till I decided to open my laptop last night. I ended up sleeping around 6 AM again, which got me crabby and short with Yakee (who's being a little difficult from missing his father)... and I just woke up around 20 minutes ago.

My firstborn probably couldn't wake me up so he went to his Ninang on his own. He seldom left our bedroom without me, and usually only when his father is here.

I don't deserve my son's forgiveness for being a bad mommy earlier but am grateful for it. And thank God Yamee is a relatively easy baby these days.

Mom Still Down

Sometimes, I really wonder how things will be if I totally wreck my vocal chords and lose my voice. It breaks my heart that Yakee has been asking for stories or songs and I can't give in.

All that's left I have to comfort him is my caresses to put him to sleep. We can't sing songs. I can't read him the new books given to us... I have a hard time answering his questions and making explanations, as well as calling his attention or correcting the people around me (he's been going around saying his nose is 'running')... sigh.

Please let me get well soon, God. Or is this part of my diet regimen for the year?

Ending the Year with Tears

Yakee was overstimulated when he went grocery-shopping with hubby and my in-laws. He was super hyper that he didn't want to sleep and I had to enforce a nap since New Year was up and we'd all be up till the wee hours.

In the midst of his tantrums, my boy dared to willfully kick me in the breat area.

I flipped. I spanked him, got the toy he wanted to play with, packed all his other toys and declared to his father that the toys are on timeout and I am giving our son what he was screaming for, to leave him alone.

Then I cried. I cried till after we've heard Mass.

I was just so upset about my son still not handling his temper better, and me not being able to control myself too. Mind you, I consider my breasts sacred and that's really what got to me. There was a flashing "how dare you hurt the breasts that fed you and the breasts that are feeding your brother now" sign in my head for a few moments. And my allergies and lack of sleep are not to blame entirely... I am just really a work-in-progress and my progress as a parent has been slow.

Yakee and I sort of made up around New Year, when he asked for the trumpet and did not go berserk anymore when we refused him his other toys. He understood he crossed a line and jumped his way into the New Year.

*~*

Just in case Yakee thinks that am just always going mental on him... or that he spent his preschooler years in a tantrum haze... I'd like to say that most days, he minds what Mommy says and Mommy can pretty much understand where he's coming from. Sometimes, I am also able to head off a tantrum from coming. Or at least, handle it better... like that one at the Vietnamese restaurant where Yakee was screaming and crying his head off. I just restrained him in my lap and kept telling him to cry all he wanted and the tantrum lost its thunder in no time. We did not even have to exchange hurtful words.

And for the life of me, I really don't know where Yakee got his "leave me alone" wailings of late. Sigh.

New Year, Same Security Issues

It's a new year, folks... but my security issues as a stay-at-home Mom are the same. I've sort of gotten a free insurance quote from my friend and it seems hubs has also been talking to one of his friends. Our friends are agents, or life planners, from different insurance companies.

So hubs and I have started to compare quotes. We are leaning towards the one offered by his friend since we can use it as collateral for a home loan, which is really something I want to make happen this year. I know money for the housing loan won't just fall off a tree right into our pockets but gosh, oh gosh, I really hope we can finally make that happen!!! Incidentally, I've just realized that getting a home loan this year will not necessarily mean we will be transferring to our own home. Oh, but gosh, do I really want to move out of parents' home already!

We've also been going back and forth about getting an education plan for the kids or not. Our friends also offer these and mine even gave me an insurance explanation of what they offer. I am, however, dubious as to the practicality of getting an education plan since most usually aren't enough to cover tuition fees anymore by the time you need them. Then again, it's not like we have enough funds for investing in T-bills or something like that.

Hubs' company at least covers minimum health insurance but we also should address our health issues so we won't ever need to use our HMO cards. Like right now, it sucks to have been sick all throughout the holidays.

And insurance payments for our car is also up. But hey, you can't bargain with security, right?